Crying as I write. Will it ever go away? All I wanted to do was lay in bed tonight and cry myself to sleep, another well-skilled hobby of mine. But noooo, here comes God giving me a desire to be a light in the midst of this darkness. And sharing this with you actually stopped the tears; so He knows best I suppose.
Can I weep with those who weep, and mourn with you? IT SUCKS. Some time in my life the darkness was invited, or maybe it's an incentive to my life, like it came with my package deal 🤔 IDK. I can barely remember when this all started but if I try, I'd say around 5th grade, that's when I cried more and spent lots of time isolated. I would read, write, or listen to music to escape the present circumstances. At that time, my parents were in a messy separation. We had seen domestic violence, abandonment, and drug abuse from my dad. I'll share bits and pieces of my past in future posts, but right now I want to share what I'm feeling at this very moment.
Can I weep with those who weep, and mourn with you? IT SUCKS. Some time in my life the darkness was invited, or maybe it's an incentive to my life, like it came with my package deal 🤔 IDK. I can barely remember when this all started but if I try, I'd say around 5th grade, that's when I cried more and spent lots of time isolated. I would read, write, or listen to music to escape the present circumstances. At that time, my parents were in a messy separation. We had seen domestic violence, abandonment, and drug abuse from my dad. I'll share bits and pieces of my past in future posts, but right now I want to share what I'm feeling at this very moment.
I asked God not to wake me up in the morning...
A lot of times I just don't want to go another day carrying around my backpack of pain, filled with mistakes, heartache, and suicidal thoughts. Yes, I know... I'm supposed to "cast my cares upon the Lord for He cares for me", but I'm not going to throw scriptures all in this and tell you I'm good now. This is definitely a process. God's Word is like the Sun on a stormy day, brings me to tears thinking about His words to me, but it's a process. We have to allow Him to work these words in our broken hearts. 💔 Gosh I wish it was much simpler.
Many times I wonder if anyone cares for me...I've experienced betrayal from people closest to me, even myself, hell, I CAN'T EVEN BE TRUSTED. How could I be so stupid? God, how can you let me be so stupid? I just don't know when to quit! How can I minister to people and be a light with this darkness following me?! And when I think I'm defeating it, it shows back up a few days later. I know we all experience depression in some way or form, but at what level is it classified as mental illness?
Honestly, I refuse to accept that diagnosis. I can't and will not live under that. I'm not sure if I'll ever find the healing or if this will be that thorn in my flesh to keep me at Jesus' feet, but I refuse to allow it a permanent residence here...I'm afraid it will take my life if I give it the authority it wants...
Feel FREE to share this photo. Someone needs it. 💘
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